The Way Crushes Crushed Me

Growing up, I never was much of a dreamer and romance didn't exist. My mom and dad were not together and I didn't know that people could be. At that age my only job was to get good grades. I excelled through school and then I went to middle school. There I experienced my first time having a real crush on a boy.

It was a magical experience, I didn't feel so insecure when I liked someone. I decided that I liked that so much that my focus switched completely to boys. In seventh grade I met a guy that changed the way I thought about relationships. He showed me how to show affection, and affection had become my source of security. It wasn't until his affection turned into aggression that I woke up and realized my stronghold. I went through months of emotional trauma that I covered with another crush.

 I thought that the best way to get over one boy, was with another one. I did this a few times until I had more hurts than I could count, and insecurities that I thought I had overcome started to resurface. It wasn't until recently that I realized that every crush I ever had, were all a big mask to cover my insecurities. Crushes made me feel beautiful. When I told my friends about boys, I thought it would make them look at me as more desirable to guys, but the more boys I became attached to, the more desperate I looked and became.

 I finally got sick of it and took a break from boys and I decided to set some goals for myself. Even now, I am still dealing with the consequences of growing so attached to boys. I was confused when I had to face the boy who abused me, and I still cared about him. Now I know it is because at the time, in my mind, he had done me a favor by distracting me from reality. Anyone reading this post who has experienced a strong dependence on relationships for security, I hope that you will be inspired to set some goals for yourself and talk to God to find out why he put you here on this Earth, at the time that he did. I couldn't find my healing until I realized that I wasn't put on this Earth for man alone. I wasn't sent here to search endlessly for love, joy, peace, and happiness. I am here show God's love to people, not to search for God's love in people.

Trusting God's Will

A few weeks ago, I spoke with one of my trusted mentors from my church. I confided in  her about the latest aspects of my daily life including my relationships, friendships, and family ordeals. She listened to everything I had to say and came to an understanding. I told her about my latest interest in a guy and she told me about how some aspects of our relationship could be harmful to the path that god has for me.

Though I am unaware of all the plans god has for me, He knows the plans he has for me. It's very difficult not to get caught up in the same cycle as those before you when you have no faith in god, or yourself as a human.Whenever God's will for me did not align with the will I had for myself, I would lose faith. It was my mistake thinking that God did not want me to achieve the happiness that I wanted for myself.

My favorite scripture is Psalms 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." My understanding of this scripture had been misconstrued because my only intention was to attain my desires; love, success, and good fortune. I paid no mind to what it looked like to delight myself in the lord. I now realize that when I genuinely delight myself in the lord and his will, my desires changed. I don't desire the wealth of the world, but the riches of his knowledge. I no longer desire high positions on this earth because I know that this land is temporary.

I had let my relationships become idols, and I spent more time talking to friends than talking to God, who has given me everything I have. No matter what happens, I have to remember that the lord can give and the lord can take away, but his Will will be done.  The fact that he sent the holy spirit to help me avoid some of the dangers of the life, is blessing enough and I can be sure that it will never be taken from me.

R.I.P Xavier

I saw a corpse today

I saw a ghost

This sounds weird 

and it's too late for a Halloween post

I saw the best friend of a boy who died

12-11-15

They saw a corpse

Town car

North Philly

2400 block of Park Avenue

He only lived 15 years

The news had the facts about the story
But not the impact

It wasn't until I went to school that I knew what truly had happened

So many people had to cope

This was the image the news forgot to cover

 His best friend was absent for 2 days 

and upon his sad return 

I saw a corpse

Me and him used to be so close

But they were closer

They were brothers

They shared a body

Still do

His senses were gone

He was a hallow shell

As I looked in his empty eyes

I lost my senses

I couldn't even think of words to say

So I wrote this post in honor of 

Xavier Stern better known as Zay

R.I.P Xavier
My prayers go out to his friends and family

Losing Yourself

Hard Truth Post- In this current generation, I think we've forgotten that actually loving someone else is hard to do because it's so easy to develop strong feelings for someone. I don't think we get mixed up with the feeling, but when it comes to the action of loving one another. We were commanded to love others the way God loves us. John 3:16- "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son." I only focused on the two verbs: loved and gave because they represent the cause and effect of God's love. He loved, so he gave. It does not say "then he was given the love of all men"  because even now many people turn away from him. He made the sacrifice, knowing the effects, because he loved us. In that case, if love is a sacrifice then how can someone love you if they never give but always take from you. Just because they are not stealing from you doesn't mean they are not taking from you. Those who have permission to take, often take more than those who have to steal. When you open your heart to someone, you give them access to your heart, mind, soul, body, and spirit. A man should not have access to these things unless he has given you his commitment. They can infiltrate their 'inner demons' onto you, and that may sound bad but it is a reminder of how powerful love is. I would hate to have loved and lost each time I open my heart to someone, at some point what would I give? It is important to find someone who will cherish you, and protect you because they know there is a lot at stake :)

Jamal or Joseph?

Last night we had D.I.G, our youth bible study, and we started the conversation with a common topic: Empire. The topic was brought up by our youth leader, Duane Rawlins. He read Donnie McClurkin's response to the mention of his name on Empire that was written in the script in a "back-handed" manner. Donnie McClurkin's response was extremely well written and reflected the mercy that Christ shows. As we pondered the topic, we decided that the plot of the show is extremely controversial in more ways than that. I hate to turn on (figuratively) the show because it is another successful black show, but I hate to turn on (physically) the show because it constantly attacks my religion. It does not celebrate my culture because religion is a key point of culture. There was actually a metaphor that came to my mind while talking it out. Jamal's story reflects the story of Joseph in many ways. First, it was a highlight moment in the first season when Luscious threw Jamal into a trash can when he came out as a homosexual. In the same manner, Joseph's brother threw him into a pit, but this is just one similarity. Now, Joseph had a multicolored coat that his father made for him, and Jamal as a homosexual would take pride in the multicolored flag that represents homosexuality. Another similarity would be that shockingly Jamal showed mercy towards Luscious in the premiere episode despite their past, and in the same way Joseph showed mercy to his brothers during the famine in Egypt. A point that was made in the discussion was that to properly attack someone you need to study them. I used every excuse to continue watching the show a year ago when he challenged us to stop watching. I even watched the premiere of season 2, but I'm sorry I am done contributing to the success of another great attack on Christianity.

Hard Reflection Post

I'm sitting at home sick and currently having a personal reflection on the decisions I've made in life. Not like "Why did I choose to wear that?" or "Why didn't I study for that test?', but some of the larger questions like, "How did I leave every relationship with one less piece of me?" This question came about because I was listening to a song about giving so much to people who don't deserve it. I noticed I have a pattern of giving as much of me as I would if I were married, or a mother. I was getting caught up treating boys like they were my husband or my child. If I explain this, I would say that I've treated some boys like my husband because I would make sacrifices that they didn't even deserve. You don't give up time with your family or friends with a boy that's not even your boyfriend. A boy that you can't even make your own family with because he is not your husband. Some of them turned out more like a child because I would get deep into all of his internal issues and try to weed them out. I would try to teach them how to love and care about someone. This may sound ridiculous but it's so easy to do this without knowing that it's really going on. Now God has given me time to reflect so I don't make these mistakes with someone who actually deserves me. I had the nerve to complain that I am lonely, but God is saying "Be still and know I am God", more than ever right now and that is what I intend on doing because God knows that I am not mentally or spiritually ready for a husband or a child right now. This way, no one will walk away with more of me than I want them to.

Being a Proverbs 31 Woman

People are starting to ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I respond to this question with aspirations to be a therapist, a writer, or maybe an interior designer, but there's something in me that just wants to be a wife, a mother, and a woman of favor.  This is a desire that I've always had, but at 14 I feel as if I'm just becoming a woman, and marriage is far down my path. Now, I realize it's more than a ring that makes you a good wife, a child that makes you a good mother, or an age that makes you a woman, but what do you do when you realize that this is what you want to be? You read Proverbs 31 and get started by studying and creating the mindset of the woman it describes. I came across a song by a christian artist, named Dwayne Tryumf, called Proverbs 31 woman that made me read the scripture. I was inspired by this scripture because it captured the essence of what and who I want to be when I grow up. Then, I watched a video by Joshua Eze explaining the properties of this woman, and that there is a certain man that is worthy of this type of woman. This is not because she is perfect, but because she is submissive. Submission is not something that comes easy to me, but I will assume this role for a 1 Corinthians 7 type of man. It changed the way I feel about dating and relationships all together. The bible says when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing, so the dating process should not be taken for granted or prolonged, but should be spent studying. Both the man and the woman should be preparing themselves to embody the man and woman described in Proverbs 31 and 1 Corinthians 7. In the meantime, I cannot grow impatient and allow an unfit man to pursue me. It is not simply about being desired, but it's about desiring the will of God. God's will for every human is personal for them as an individual, but for the one he has designed to be a woman, he has an expectation. Engaging in too many relationships without God's counsel causes you to lose sight of this expectation, and making decisions based upon desperation and lust will cause you to lose your identity. I have learned that my identity is found in Christ. So while I'm preparing to see the King, God is preparing a king for me that will say as the scripture says, “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all” Proverbs 31:29