Hard Reflection Post

I'm sitting at home sick and currently having a personal reflection on the decisions I've made in life. Not like "Why did I choose to wear that?" or "Why didn't I study for that test?', but some of the larger questions like, "How did I leave every relationship with one less piece of me?" This question came about because I was listening to a song about giving so much to people who don't deserve it. I noticed I have a pattern of giving as much of me as I would if I were married, or a mother. I was getting caught up treating boys like they were my husband or my child. If I explain this, I would say that I've treated some boys like my husband because I would make sacrifices that they didn't even deserve. You don't give up time with your family or friends with a boy that's not even your boyfriend. A boy that you can't even make your own family with because he is not your husband. Some of them turned out more like a child because I would get deep into all of his internal issues and try to weed them out. I would try to teach them how to love and care about someone. This may sound ridiculous but it's so easy to do this without knowing that it's really going on. Now God has given me time to reflect so I don't make these mistakes with someone who actually deserves me. I had the nerve to complain that I am lonely, but God is saying "Be still and know I am God", more than ever right now and that is what I intend on doing because God knows that I am not mentally or spiritually ready for a husband or a child right now. This way, no one will walk away with more of me than I want them to.

Being a Proverbs 31 Woman

People are starting to ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I respond to this question with aspirations to be a therapist, a writer, or maybe an interior designer, but there's something in me that just wants to be a wife, a mother, and a woman of favor.  This is a desire that I've always had, but at 14 I feel as if I'm just becoming a woman, and marriage is far down my path. Now, I realize it's more than a ring that makes you a good wife, a child that makes you a good mother, or an age that makes you a woman, but what do you do when you realize that this is what you want to be? You read Proverbs 31 and get started by studying and creating the mindset of the woman it describes. I came across a song by a christian artist, named Dwayne Tryumf, called Proverbs 31 woman that made me read the scripture. I was inspired by this scripture because it captured the essence of what and who I want to be when I grow up. Then, I watched a video by Joshua Eze explaining the properties of this woman, and that there is a certain man that is worthy of this type of woman. This is not because she is perfect, but because she is submissive. Submission is not something that comes easy to me, but I will assume this role for a 1 Corinthians 7 type of man. It changed the way I feel about dating and relationships all together. The bible says when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing, so the dating process should not be taken for granted or prolonged, but should be spent studying. Both the man and the woman should be preparing themselves to embody the man and woman described in Proverbs 31 and 1 Corinthians 7. In the meantime, I cannot grow impatient and allow an unfit man to pursue me. It is not simply about being desired, but it's about desiring the will of God. God's will for every human is personal for them as an individual, but for the one he has designed to be a woman, he has an expectation. Engaging in too many relationships without God's counsel causes you to lose sight of this expectation, and making decisions based upon desperation and lust will cause you to lose your identity. I have learned that my identity is found in Christ. So while I'm preparing to see the King, God is preparing a king for me that will say as the scripture says, “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all” Proverbs 31:29

The Five Men I Had To Forgive

Forgiving others is so hard to do, but it's one of the most powerful things that we, as humans, can do. This Sunday my pastor challenged us to forgive someone who has hurt us. She said to call them some time this week and let them know you forgive them. Forgiving is something I've done before (specifically with my dad), but that took me years to do. I couldn't imagine forgiving someone as easily as the pastor made it seem but I wanted to be obedient. My dad wasn't the only person who popped into my mind. You wouldn't believe how many people can pop in your head at the same time. Five guys in particular, but my dad was the first. There was expectation from the start for him to be a father, and in different ways I had to deal with his shortcomings. I started the healing process on my own, but my dad came back and provided me with the answers, not the excuses, that I needed. I needed to forgive my dad for letting drugs and alcohol come before his children. I had to forgive him for making countless promises he couldn't keep, and I had to forgive him for not loving my mom the way he should have. The second man that I forgive is the one that was supposed to raise my dad. He was "the answers" i needed for why my dad couldn't raise me. I have to forgive him for introducing drugs and alcohol to my father. I have to forgive him for rolling my dad's first joint. I have to forgive him for never hugging my dad.  All these things have affected my dad, and in turn, affected me and my desire for affection. To do this, I  would also have to forgive my great grandfather for lining up my great grandmother, my grandpa and all his siblings in a row, and making them play Russian Roulette with his gun because there were too many mouths to feed. I have to forgive him for not coming up with a better solution. That very solution led my grandpa to abuse drugs and alcohol. These three men were greatly affected by the father who raised, or failed to raise in many ways (I should say), them. There are no more fathers for me but now I have to forgive the man who was supposed to fill the space my dad left. My stepdad came into my life with opportunity in his hands and then he put the keys to our new car in my mom's hands. He put a roof over our heads and it didn't have a hole in it like our previous house in Germantown. A real savior, but a savior would never do to us what he did to my sisters. He should've been in jail for what he did but, he had a major stroke. Even then, my mom was forced to care for him because his parents were far too old to care for their son who was being taught how to speak, read, and walk. She is the strongest woman I know and my maturity comes from her. The one who let our dad come back into our life as many times as he attempted, and cared for a man that betrayed her. Her strength does not go unnoticed, bringing me to my last point. The fifth man, or boy, I had to forgive is the boy who was supposed to love me. He gave me every reason to trust him until he hit me. He gave me every reason to care until he ripped a paper off the wall and tried to hit me in the face with it, and picked me up with every intention to slam me to the ground. He is someone who was never loved himself, and I am privilege to know a God who loves me enough to remove him from my life. There's one man who has always been there for me and that is my heavenly Father. When my stepdad did what he did, his health began to fail. When that boy began to hit me, he moved the very next day. When my great grandfather lined up his family, the gun jammed. So if people are confused about why I'm so "religious", that's because I know a man that will NEVER let me down!! I am still in the process of forgiving these men because everyday I see the outcomes of their actions, but everyday I see God's new mercies, so I can't complain.

Attitude is Everything!!

"It is my attitude, not my aptitude, that determines my altitude, or how far I can go"- Rev. Jesse Jackson

Today was my first day of high school. I was excited but I knew I had to be cautious. I had received a lot of great advice but my favorite words of wisdom came straight from a quote said by the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Time management, responsibility, and maintaining my stress levels were all things I had heard already but I didn't know what attitude to have. Three things I learned from high school just today were: depend solely on God because no one can work out a high school schedule better than him, discern who you take advice from because not everyone wants you to succeed, or at least not beyond them, and stay positive because joy comes every morning. Today I had to decide if I would stay positive no matter what or let other attitudes affect my own. Will I look at it as always being lonely, or learning independence? Will I say i'm constantly bored, or I'm learning patience? Do I have nothing to prove or everything to prove? Here's a quote from myself inspired by the one above, "With a negative attitude, it is easy to determine the quality of the work you can accomplish, but with a positive attitude it is nearly impossible to determine the quantity of what you'll do ." Thank you to all those who prayed for my first day, it was great!

A poem WARNING it doesn't rhyme!! ;)

 The Last One Left a Scar

The last one was supposed to be my first

He wanted my love for him to equate his lust for me

Well that didn’t work

So he made my pain equate all his feelings

The scar has gotten smaller now but it hurts just the same

Too big to be concealed

Too small to be a big deal

No, no, no it is not a matter of size

That scar cut so DEEP it hit my heart

Sending mix messages

Making me think it was my fault

But honestly he wasn’t my first nor my last

Everyone says love is so blind

but i saw very well

How affection turned to aggression

Go on take a shot

Take another shot

No! Go ahead!

Hold your hand up and try it again

Because the first time you missed me

The first time you kissed me

I saw you so broken

and offered repair

not knowing that my spirit would be left worse than yours

But not broken

Still i can say he wasn’t my first nor my last

He wasn’t my first kiss, my first love and

I’ll never have his first born

And he wasn’t my last take or last look at love

But that was the last straw

I will find my first and my last love

And i’ll recognize him

because i didn’t wait around long enough

For you to do to my eye what you did to my spirit, so

Dear Mr. First and Last, I want to apologize

because the last one left a scar.

signed - Rachel  Holt

The fear of failure and the fear of success

I was so afraid to start this blog but now i see how much of a blessing it is. I've experienced that feeling of uncertainty before because I had a deep fear of failure and even a fear of success. I realized this last year when I felt no urge to get involved in school. I always thought that because of my predicament I was not supposed to succeed in life. I grew up in Northwest Philly and we lived in a house that was filled over capacity. Of course I loved it because in my eyes I saw family all around me all the time, but as society sees it we were doing really bad. I watched my single mom work extremely hard for things that she couldn't keep. She gave everything she earned to us. Seeing this made me create a work ethic in school that went unnoticed because at John Wister, teachers had to prevent danger more than nurture gifts in children. Then, there came a time when I felt like life was all good. God sent a man for my mom with opportunity in his hands. We moved from Germantown to Upper Darby and got a Chevy Equinox. I went to a new school where in 1st grade I got tested for a gifted program. Anyone who knows anything knows that you don't go from John Wister to a better school and get qualified as gifted, you're supposed to be two steps behind everyone. That was the same mindset in which my fear grew. I felt as if i should be wearing a hat reading "I'm not supposed to be here", while everyone else thought I should be reading chapter books. Over the years God let me know I'm supposed to be here because it was in his perfect will that I end up here. As the scripture says,"For I know the plans I have for you", says the lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 Thank you for reading.

The Young. The black. And the Female.

I just recently came back from the island of Barbados and man can I tell you I found the purpose In that beautiful experience. I saw how I can benefit a team and how much of a role I can play in the development of this great big world. In America, everyone is given a role in society based on many different things such as status, earnings, ethnicity, etc. I am 14; I am young; I am a black woman, Young Black Female. Many would see these things as setbacks in America because it is no secret that in America some of the most disrespected people are young people, black people, and females. As the quote says, "Every Setback is a set up for a comeback"-T.D. Jakes. I no longer see these things as setbacks. I see each of these individual things as an opportunity, or set up, to be a comeback for the oppressed. The young. The black. And the female. I may not be old enough for many things, but I am old enough to pray and that is the most powerful privilege of them all.  I may not be able to travel in every part of this world, but I can show my fellow brothers and sisters how it all really began. I may never make as much money as a man does in my field, but I can make some change. So I say be encouraged to the YOUNG, the BLACK, and the FEMALE because you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.