The Leaf

When I was 16 i picked up a leaf
My dad passed and passed on his grief
Few months passed, I was "in control"
Then 2 years later smoke filled my soul

It took me 2 whole years to realize

That when the leaf dies
it plants a seed in your mind
And how the time flies
is all you really find

If peace were money I was in debt 

And the green was the expense

Self-abandonment was the game

And i was playing offense

Faith down to a mustard seed

inhaling my wants, exhaling my needs
Trading my mind for a quick relief

How could a leaf be such a thief

Memory shot and i held the gun
I forgot this is supposed to be fun
In these thoughts I began to drown
I reached the bottom of the pit then i put the leaf down

It was a leaf that carried much weight
Crossover self love to self hate
But as it fell I began to breathe
Inhale, exhale, believe

I wrote this poem as a reflection of a season of self medication. I wasn't thinking of my future, I just made choices that I thought would help alleviate my present circumstances. I encourage anyone who struggles with self-medication to think about why you started smoking in the first place and deal with the real issues at hand.

James 1: 14-15 Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. 15These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.

A Letter to Dr.King

Dear Dr. King,
Back in 2008, Barack Obama was elected and I understood what you meant when you said, "..it was a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity." Just 8 years later, Hate was elected and I lost that feeling. In August of the same year, Eric Reid and Colin Kaepernick decided to kneel during the national anthem in response to the unjust murder of Alton Sterling. #TakeAKnee. People feuded over social networks but one tweet stood out from the rest. "Maybe he should find a country that works better for him"-Donald J. Trump.

"America has given the negro a bad check, a check that has come back marked insufficient funds." The courts keep giving us a bad verdict, one that always come back marked not guilty. Philando Castile, Alton Sterling, Keith Lamont Scott, Michael Brown, Anthony Lamar Smith, Tamir Rice, Freddie Gray, Sandra Bland. You said, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Trayvon is starting to sound like a whisper. I know we're not satisfied, we must be asleep. #StayWoke

On a good note, I haven't seen any "whites only" signs in the streets, but I see the signs of white privilege in schools, offices, and in the media. Black actors, singers, producers, and directors getting invited to award shows but rarely getting awarded. Guess the odds weren't in their favor, but oddly enough they "randomly" chose the little black boy to wear the "coolest monkey in the jungle" sweatshirt. If you think that was mistake, you're in a deep slumber.

I'm sorry Dr. King, we're still dreaming.

Temporary Feel Goods

The shape of a bottle in your hand and the glass you don't typically use

will make you feel like the adult nobody sees you as

It seems to hide the face you put on for everyone

It seems to fill the God-sized voids created by years of pain

But really its just a system created to make you feel good

tem-po-rar-i-ly

His or her body feels so good up against yours

Legs entwined, one hand holding yours but the other in a region all your own

You don't know how something everyone condemns could feel so good

Were they deceiving you?
No, it's just a system where your brain releases a chemical called dopamine,
the pleasure chemical

Both of these things were created by God
And he therefor set some guidelines for them

Alcohol at a limit, sex within marriage

God set boundaries that protect you from the permanent scars these temporary things cause

Cause once you step out of the boundaries

these things aren't so temporary.

"The pleasure is temporary but the pain is permanent"

The Love Of A Black Woman

       Before I write this poem, I want to say that I know and appreciate that a lot of my viewers are from many different countries and ethnicities. We all have our own experiences and stories. I chose to write from the place of being a young black woman and watching the struggle of the women who came before me.

The Love Of A Black Woman

The love of a black woman will have you crawling like a beggar asking for more

It'll wipe your tears and seal you with hope before you step into battle

It'll take you to the galaxy and keep you rooted in the ground just the same

Too many have trampled the hearts of these champions

You ask how?

Because the black woman has been taught to love everyone but herself

Caring for and raising children that weren't even hers

Then finding freedom and raising children wise enough to lead the culture 

Lending a hand in the war and comforting the refugee

Cleaning the blood off the streets and comforting the mother who's son has just been shot

Stitching the wound, mending it up

Praying that her own son made it home safely

It's strange how one can go so unacknowledged

Most educated yet seen as least attractive

Depending on where you get your worth from you can easily catch the short hand

The one no one compliments but everyone copies

Tell me how we let this crime happen?

How do you keep this woman from loving herself?

We take away the man who's supposed to show her 

We steal his freedom or sell him the American Dream

A Meek Letter

Dear Dad,
I miss you of course. Haven't seen you since January and in February you were gone. I understand you and you understood me. You taught me lessons that you probably don't even know about. You taught me to love unconditionally, to have mercy, and to forgive. There were times when I would actually be angry with you, but for some reason I always forgave you so easily.You were a great father. I have nothing more to point fingers at. Through the pain I became so strong and I loved you so deeply and I give you credit for that. You also have made me so cool and friendly. You are a part of me and sometimes I don't feel you knew that. Until I see you again.
                                                                                                               -Rachel

The Serenity Prayer

On February 15th of this year, my dad passed away suddenly from a heart attack. I wasn't even with him and hadn't talked to him in a few days. We were supposed to go running the Saturday before he died, but it was rained and neither of us felt it necessary to call and cancel. If I knew I could talk to him one last time, I would've called.

 He had the greatest sense of humor and the prettiest smile, and a love for God that I couldn't explain. He was just someone I was happy I got to meet. He taught me so much about god, life, and relationships. I will always hold on to his advice, "If a boy does not love God, he will not be capable of loving you the way you need to be loved." He always said "Praise the lord" every time he answered the phone. He called me Ray Ray. He loved music like I love it, and we share the same love for Tupac. Sometimes he would just send me a random picture of Tupac that would make me smile so hard. He loved crab legs, westerns, fishing, and barbecuing. He was a man's man.

 I thought that if I would have called things could've been different. I could still be receiving Tupac pictures, or go on that run we never had. Then, I read the prayer, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."-Reinhold Niebuhr. With Fathers Day approaching in two days, I pray for Strength and Serenity, and I ask you to keep my family and I in your prayers also.

The Way Crushes Crushed Me

Growing up, I never was much of a dreamer and romance didn't exist. My mom and dad were not together and I didn't know that people could be. At that age my only job was to get good grades. I excelled through school and then I went to middle school. There I experienced my first time having a real crush on a boy.

It was a magical experience, I didn't feel so insecure when I liked someone. I decided that I liked that so much that my focus switched completely to boys. In seventh grade I met a guy that changed the way I thought about relationships. He showed me how to show affection, and affection had become my source of security. It wasn't until his affection turned into aggression that I woke up and realized my stronghold. I went through months of emotional trauma that I covered with another crush.

 I thought that the best way to get over one boy, was with another one. I did this a few times until I had more hurts than I could count, and insecurities that I thought I had overcome started to resurface. It wasn't until recently that I realized that every crush I ever had, were all a big mask to cover my insecurities. Crushes made me feel beautiful. When I told my friends about boys, I thought it would make them look at me as more desirable to guys, but the more boys I became attached to, the more desperate I looked and became.

 I finally got sick of it and took a break from boys and I decided to set some goals for myself. Even now, I am still dealing with the consequences of growing so attached to boys. I was confused when I had to face the boy who abused me, and I still cared about him. Now I know it is because at the time, in my mind, he had done me a favor by distracting me from reality. Anyone reading this post who has experienced a strong dependence on relationships for security, I hope that you will be inspired to set some goals for yourself and talk to God to find out why he put you here on this Earth, at the time that he did. I couldn't find my healing until I realized that I wasn't put on this Earth for man alone. I wasn't sent here to search endlessly for love, joy, peace, and happiness. I am here show God's love to people, not to search for God's love in people.

Trusting God's Will

A few weeks ago, I spoke with one of my trusted mentors from my church. I confided in  her about the latest aspects of my daily life including my relationships, friendships, and family ordeals. She listened to everything I had to say and came to an understanding. I told her about my latest interest in a guy and she told me about how some aspects of our relationship could be harmful to the path that god has for me.

Though I am unaware of all the plans god has for me, He knows the plans he has for me. It's very difficult not to get caught up in the same cycle as those before you when you have no faith in god, or yourself as a human.Whenever God's will for me did not align with the will I had for myself, I would lose faith. It was my mistake thinking that God did not want me to achieve the happiness that I wanted for myself.

My favorite scripture is Psalms 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." My understanding of this scripture had been misconstrued because my only intention was to attain my desires; love, success, and good fortune. I paid no mind to what it looked like to delight myself in the lord. I now realize that when I genuinely delight myself in the lord and his will, my desires changed. I don't desire the wealth of the world, but the riches of his knowledge. I no longer desire high positions on this earth because I know that this land is temporary.

I had let my relationships become idols, and I spent more time talking to friends than talking to God, who has given me everything I have. No matter what happens, I have to remember that the lord can give and the lord can take away, but his Will will be done.  The fact that he sent the holy spirit to help me avoid some of the dangers of the life, is blessing enough and I can be sure that it will never be taken from me.

R.I.P Xavier

I saw a corpse today

I saw a ghost

This sounds weird 

and it's too late for a Halloween post

I saw the best friend of a boy who died

12-11-15

They saw a corpse

Town car

North Philly

2400 block of Park Avenue

He only lived 15 years

The news had the facts about the story
But not the impact

It wasn't until I went to school that I knew what truly had happened

So many people had to cope

This was the image the news forgot to cover

 His best friend was absent for 2 days 

and upon his sad return 

I saw a corpse

Me and him used to be so close

But they were closer

They were brothers

They shared a body

Still do

His senses were gone

He was a hallow shell

As I looked in his empty eyes

I lost my senses

I couldn't even think of words to say

So I wrote this post in honor of 

Xavier Stern better known as Zay

R.I.P Xavier
My prayers go out to his friends and family

Losing Yourself

Hard Truth Post- In this current generation, I think we've forgotten that actually loving someone else is hard to do because it's so easy to develop strong feelings for someone. I don't think we get mixed up with the feeling, but when it comes to the action of loving one another. We were commanded to love others the way God loves us. John 3:16- "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son." I only focused on the two verbs: loved and gave because they represent the cause and effect of God's love. He loved, so he gave. It does not say "then he was given the love of all men"  because even now many people turn away from him. He made the sacrifice, knowing the effects, because he loved us. In that case, if love is a sacrifice then how can someone love you if they never give but always take from you. Just because they are not stealing from you doesn't mean they are not taking from you. Those who have permission to take, often take more than those who have to steal. When you open your heart to someone, you give them access to your heart, mind, soul, body, and spirit. A man should not have access to these things unless he has given you his commitment. They can infiltrate their 'inner demons' onto you, and that may sound bad but it is a reminder of how powerful love is. I would hate to have loved and lost each time I open my heart to someone, at some point what would I give? It is important to find someone who will cherish you, and protect you because they know there is a lot at stake :)

Jamal or Joseph?

Last night we had D.I.G, our youth bible study, and we started the conversation with a common topic: Empire. The topic was brought up by our youth leader, Duane Rawlins. He read Donnie McClurkin's response to the mention of his name on Empire that was written in the script in a "back-handed" manner. Donnie McClurkin's response was extremely well written and reflected the mercy that Christ shows. As we pondered the topic, we decided that the plot of the show is extremely controversial in more ways than that. I hate to turn on (figuratively) the show because it is another successful black show, but I hate to turn on (physically) the show because it constantly attacks my religion. It does not celebrate my culture because religion is a key point of culture. There was actually a metaphor that came to my mind while talking it out. Jamal's story reflects the story of Joseph in many ways. First, it was a highlight moment in the first season when Luscious threw Jamal into a trash can when he came out as a homosexual. In the same manner, Joseph's brother threw him into a pit, but this is just one similarity. Now, Joseph had a multicolored coat that his father made for him, and Jamal as a homosexual would take pride in the multicolored flag that represents homosexuality. Another similarity would be that shockingly Jamal showed mercy towards Luscious in the premiere episode despite their past, and in the same way Joseph showed mercy to his brothers during the famine in Egypt. A point that was made in the discussion was that to properly attack someone you need to study them. I used every excuse to continue watching the show a year ago when he challenged us to stop watching. I even watched the premiere of season 2, but I'm sorry I am done contributing to the success of another great attack on Christianity.

Hard Reflection Post

I'm sitting at home sick and currently having a personal reflection on the decisions I've made in life. Not like "Why did I choose to wear that?" or "Why didn't I study for that test?', but some of the larger questions like, "How did I leave every relationship with one less piece of me?" This question came about because I was listening to a song about giving so much to people who don't deserve it. I noticed I have a pattern of giving as much of me as I would if I were married, or a mother. I was getting caught up treating boys like they were my husband or my child. If I explain this, I would say that I've treated some boys like my husband because I would make sacrifices that they didn't even deserve. You don't give up time with your family or friends with a boy that's not even your boyfriend. A boy that you can't even make your own family with because he is not your husband. Some of them turned out more like a child because I would get deep into all of his internal issues and try to weed them out. I would try to teach them how to love and care about someone. This may sound ridiculous but it's so easy to do this without knowing that it's really going on. Now God has given me time to reflect so I don't make these mistakes with someone who actually deserves me. I had the nerve to complain that I am lonely, but God is saying "Be still and know I am God", more than ever right now and that is what I intend on doing because God knows that I am not mentally or spiritually ready for a husband or a child right now. This way, no one will walk away with more of me than I want them to.

Being a Proverbs 31 Woman

People are starting to ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I respond to this question with aspirations to be a therapist, a writer, or maybe an interior designer, but there's something in me that just wants to be a wife, a mother, and a woman of favor.  This is a desire that I've always had, but at 14 I feel as if I'm just becoming a woman, and marriage is far down my path. Now, I realize it's more than a ring that makes you a good wife, a child that makes you a good mother, or an age that makes you a woman, but what do you do when you realize that this is what you want to be? You read Proverbs 31 and get started by studying and creating the mindset of the woman it describes. I came across a song by a christian artist, named Dwayne Tryumf, called Proverbs 31 woman that made me read the scripture. I was inspired by this scripture because it captured the essence of what and who I want to be when I grow up. Then, I watched a video by Joshua Eze explaining the properties of this woman, and that there is a certain man that is worthy of this type of woman. This is not because she is perfect, but because she is submissive. Submission is not something that comes easy to me, but I will assume this role for a 1 Corinthians 7 type of man. It changed the way I feel about dating and relationships all together. The bible says when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing, so the dating process should not be taken for granted or prolonged, but should be spent studying. Both the man and the woman should be preparing themselves to embody the man and woman described in Proverbs 31 and 1 Corinthians 7. In the meantime, I cannot grow impatient and allow an unfit man to pursue me. It is not simply about being desired, but it's about desiring the will of God. God's will for every human is personal for them as an individual, but for the one he has designed to be a woman, he has an expectation. Engaging in too many relationships without God's counsel causes you to lose sight of this expectation, and making decisions based upon desperation and lust will cause you to lose your identity. I have learned that my identity is found in Christ. So while I'm preparing to see the King, God is preparing a king for me that will say as the scripture says, “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all” Proverbs 31:29

The Five Men I Had To Forgive

Forgiving others is so hard to do, but it's one of the most powerful things that we, as humans, can do. This Sunday my pastor challenged us to forgive someone who has hurt us. She said to call them some time this week and let them know you forgive them. Forgiving is something I've done before (specifically with my dad), but that took me years to do. I couldn't imagine forgiving someone as easily as the pastor made it seem but I wanted to be obedient. My dad wasn't the only person who popped into my mind. You wouldn't believe how many people can pop in your head at the same time. Five guys in particular, but my dad was the first. There was expectation from the start for him to be a father, and in different ways I had to deal with his shortcomings. I started the healing process on my own, but my dad came back and provided me with the answers, not the excuses, that I needed. I needed to forgive my dad for letting drugs and alcohol come before his children. I had to forgive him for making countless promises he couldn't keep, and I had to forgive him for not loving my mom the way he should have. The second man that I forgive is the one that was supposed to raise my dad. He was "the answers" i needed for why my dad couldn't raise me. I have to forgive him for introducing drugs and alcohol to my father. I have to forgive him for rolling my dad's first joint. I have to forgive him for never hugging my dad.  All these things have affected my dad, and in turn, affected me and my desire for affection. To do this, I  would also have to forgive my great grandfather for lining up my great grandmother, my grandpa and all his siblings in a row, and making them play Russian Roulette with his gun because there were too many mouths to feed. I have to forgive him for not coming up with a better solution. That very solution led my grandpa to abuse drugs and alcohol. These three men were greatly affected by the father who raised, or failed to raise in many ways (I should say), them. There are no more fathers for me but now I have to forgive the man who was supposed to fill the space my dad left. My stepdad came into my life with opportunity in his hands and then he put the keys to our new car in my mom's hands. He put a roof over our heads and it didn't have a hole in it like our previous house in Germantown. A real savior, but a savior would never do to us what he did to my sisters. He should've been in jail for what he did but, he had a major stroke. Even then, my mom was forced to care for him because his parents were far too old to care for their son who was being taught how to speak, read, and walk. She is the strongest woman I know and my maturity comes from her. The one who let our dad come back into our life as many times as he attempted, and cared for a man that betrayed her. Her strength does not go unnoticed, bringing me to my last point. The fifth man, or boy, I had to forgive is the boy who was supposed to love me. He gave me every reason to trust him until he hit me. He gave me every reason to care until he ripped a paper off the wall and tried to hit me in the face with it, and picked me up with every intention to slam me to the ground. He is someone who was never loved himself, and I am privilege to know a God who loves me enough to remove him from my life. There's one man who has always been there for me and that is my heavenly Father. When my stepdad did what he did, his health began to fail. When that boy began to hit me, he moved the very next day. When my great grandfather lined up his family, the gun jammed. So if people are confused about why I'm so "religious", that's because I know a man that will NEVER let me down!! I am still in the process of forgiving these men because everyday I see the outcomes of their actions, but everyday I see God's new mercies, so I can't complain.

Attitude is Everything!!

"It is my attitude, not my aptitude, that determines my altitude, or how far I can go"- Rev. Jesse Jackson

Today was my first day of high school. I was excited but I knew I had to be cautious. I had received a lot of great advice but my favorite words of wisdom came straight from a quote said by the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Time management, responsibility, and maintaining my stress levels were all things I had heard already but I didn't know what attitude to have. Three things I learned from high school just today were: depend solely on God because no one can work out a high school schedule better than him, discern who you take advice from because not everyone wants you to succeed, or at least not beyond them, and stay positive because joy comes every morning. Today I had to decide if I would stay positive no matter what or let other attitudes affect my own. Will I look at it as always being lonely, or learning independence? Will I say i'm constantly bored, or I'm learning patience? Do I have nothing to prove or everything to prove? Here's a quote from myself inspired by the one above, "With a negative attitude, it is easy to determine the quality of the work you can accomplish, but with a positive attitude it is nearly impossible to determine the quantity of what you'll do ." Thank you to all those who prayed for my first day, it was great!

A poem WARNING it doesn't rhyme!! ;)

 The Last One Left a Scar

The last one was supposed to be my first

He wanted my love for him to equate his lust for me

Well that didn’t work

So he made my pain equate all his feelings

The scar has gotten smaller now but it hurts just the same

Too big to be concealed

Too small to be a big deal

No, no, no it is not a matter of size

That scar cut so DEEP it hit my heart

Sending mix messages

Making me think it was my fault

But honestly he wasn’t my first nor my last

Everyone says love is so blind

but i saw very well

How affection turned to aggression

Go on take a shot

Take another shot

No! Go ahead!

Hold your hand up and try it again

Because the first time you missed me

The first time you kissed me

I saw you so broken

and offered repair

not knowing that my spirit would be left worse than yours

But not broken

Still i can say he wasn’t my first nor my last

He wasn’t my first kiss, my first love and

I’ll never have his first born

And he wasn’t my last take or last look at love

But that was the last straw

I will find my first and my last love

And i’ll recognize him

because i didn’t wait around long enough

For you to do to my eye what you did to my spirit, so

Dear Mr. First and Last, I want to apologize

because the last one left a scar.

signed - Rachel  Holt

The fear of failure and the fear of success

I was so afraid to start this blog but now i see how much of a blessing it is. I've experienced that feeling of uncertainty before because I had a deep fear of failure and even a fear of success. I realized this last year when I felt no urge to get involved in school. I always thought that because of my predicament I was not supposed to succeed in life. I grew up in Northwest Philly and we lived in a house that was filled over capacity. Of course I loved it because in my eyes I saw family all around me all the time, but as society sees it we were doing really bad. I watched my single mom work extremely hard for things that she couldn't keep. She gave everything she earned to us. Seeing this made me create a work ethic in school that went unnoticed because at John Wister, teachers had to prevent danger more than nurture gifts in children. Then, there came a time when I felt like life was all good. God sent a man for my mom with opportunity in his hands. We moved from Germantown to Upper Darby and got a Chevy Equinox. I went to a new school where in 1st grade I got tested for a gifted program. Anyone who knows anything knows that you don't go from John Wister to a better school and get qualified as gifted, you're supposed to be two steps behind everyone. That was the same mindset in which my fear grew. I felt as if i should be wearing a hat reading "I'm not supposed to be here", while everyone else thought I should be reading chapter books. Over the years God let me know I'm supposed to be here because it was in his perfect will that I end up here. As the scripture says,"For I know the plans I have for you", says the lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 Thank you for reading.

The Young. The black. And the Female.

I just recently came back from the island of Barbados and man can I tell you I found the purpose In that beautiful experience. I saw how I can benefit a team and how much of a role I can play in the development of this great big world. In America, everyone is given a role in society based on many different things such as status, earnings, ethnicity, etc. I am 14; I am young; I am a black woman, Young Black Female. Many would see these things as setbacks in America because it is no secret that in America some of the most disrespected people are young people, black people, and females. As the quote says, "Every Setback is a set up for a comeback"-T.D. Jakes. I no longer see these things as setbacks. I see each of these individual things as an opportunity, or set up, to be a comeback for the oppressed. The young. The black. And the female. I may not be old enough for many things, but I am old enough to pray and that is the most powerful privilege of them all.  I may not be able to travel in every part of this world, but I can show my fellow brothers and sisters how it all really began. I may never make as much money as a man does in my field, but I can make some change. So I say be encouraged to the YOUNG, the BLACK, and the FEMALE because you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Intro

My childhood had it's share of pain, deception and sorrow , but somehow I top it off with a smile. Not a broken one either. This chapter of my life is called the pursuit of happiness, I could bask on the past but I tend to do that too long and too often. I'd rather use my hurt to help but every so often I get caught up in the emotions. I realize how my past has affected my present situation and that's an overwhelmingly emotional realization to face, but my view has taken a route of it's own. I am currently 14 years old so it's decision making time and the first decision I'm making is that I am not a child anymore. I don't say this out of anger but out of personal reflection of my growth. Like the scripture says (1 Corinthians 13:11) , "When i was a child I spoke and thought and reasoned like a child, but when i grew up, I put away childish things." This blog is a segue into young adulthood and I intend to explore the deepest parts of me and inspire by keeping note and sharing everything I find.