Hard Reflection Post

I'm sitting at home sick and currently having a personal reflection on the decisions I've made in life. Not like "Why did I choose to wear that?" or "Why didn't I study for that test?', but some of the larger questions like, "How did I leave every relationship with one less piece of me?" This question came about because I was listening to a song about giving so much to people who don't deserve it. I noticed I have a pattern of giving as much of me as I would if I were married, or a mother. I was getting caught up treating boys like they were my husband or my child. If I explain this, I would say that I've treated some boys like my husband because I would make sacrifices that they didn't even deserve. You don't give up time with your family or friends with a boy that's not even your boyfriend. A boy that you can't even make your own family with because he is not your husband. Some of them turned out more like a child because I would get deep into all of his internal issues and try to weed them out. I would try to teach them how to love and care about someone. This may sound ridiculous but it's so easy to do this without knowing that it's really going on. Now God has given me time to reflect so I don't make these mistakes with someone who actually deserves me. I had the nerve to complain that I am lonely, but God is saying "Be still and know I am God", more than ever right now and that is what I intend on doing because God knows that I am not mentally or spiritually ready for a husband or a child right now. This way, no one will walk away with more of me than I want them to.

Being a Proverbs 31 Woman

People are starting to ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I respond to this question with aspirations to be a therapist, a writer, or maybe an interior designer, but there's something in me that just wants to be a wife, a mother, and a woman of favor.  This is a desire that I've always had, but at 14 I feel as if I'm just becoming a woman, and marriage is far down my path. Now, I realize it's more than a ring that makes you a good wife, a child that makes you a good mother, or an age that makes you a woman, but what do you do when you realize that this is what you want to be? You read Proverbs 31 and get started by studying and creating the mindset of the woman it describes. I came across a song by a christian artist, named Dwayne Tryumf, called Proverbs 31 woman that made me read the scripture. I was inspired by this scripture because it captured the essence of what and who I want to be when I grow up. Then, I watched a video by Joshua Eze explaining the properties of this woman, and that there is a certain man that is worthy of this type of woman. This is not because she is perfect, but because she is submissive. Submission is not something that comes easy to me, but I will assume this role for a 1 Corinthians 7 type of man. It changed the way I feel about dating and relationships all together. The bible says when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing, so the dating process should not be taken for granted or prolonged, but should be spent studying. Both the man and the woman should be preparing themselves to embody the man and woman described in Proverbs 31 and 1 Corinthians 7. In the meantime, I cannot grow impatient and allow an unfit man to pursue me. It is not simply about being desired, but it's about desiring the will of God. God's will for every human is personal for them as an individual, but for the one he has designed to be a woman, he has an expectation. Engaging in too many relationships without God's counsel causes you to lose sight of this expectation, and making decisions based upon desperation and lust will cause you to lose your identity. I have learned that my identity is found in Christ. So while I'm preparing to see the King, God is preparing a king for me that will say as the scripture says, “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all” Proverbs 31:29

The Five Men I Had To Forgive

Forgiving others is so hard to do, but it's one of the most powerful things that we, as humans, can do. This Sunday my pastor challenged us to forgive someone who has hurt us. She said to call them some time this week and let them know you forgive them. Forgiving is something I've done before (specifically with my dad), but that took me years to do. I couldn't imagine forgiving someone as easily as the pastor made it seem but I wanted to be obedient. My dad wasn't the only person who popped into my mind. You wouldn't believe how many people can pop in your head at the same time. Five guys in particular, but my dad was the first. There was expectation from the start for him to be a father, and in different ways I had to deal with his shortcomings. I started the healing process on my own, but my dad came back and provided me with the answers, not the excuses, that I needed. I needed to forgive my dad for letting drugs and alcohol come before his children. I had to forgive him for making countless promises he couldn't keep, and I had to forgive him for not loving my mom the way he should have. The second man that I forgive is the one that was supposed to raise my dad. He was "the answers" i needed for why my dad couldn't raise me. I have to forgive him for introducing drugs and alcohol to my father. I have to forgive him for rolling my dad's first joint. I have to forgive him for never hugging my dad.  All these things have affected my dad, and in turn, affected me and my desire for affection. To do this, I  would also have to forgive my great grandfather for lining up my great grandmother, my grandpa and all his siblings in a row, and making them play Russian Roulette with his gun because there were too many mouths to feed. I have to forgive him for not coming up with a better solution. That very solution led my grandpa to abuse drugs and alcohol. These three men were greatly affected by the father who raised, or failed to raise in many ways (I should say), them. There are no more fathers for me but now I have to forgive the man who was supposed to fill the space my dad left. My stepdad came into my life with opportunity in his hands and then he put the keys to our new car in my mom's hands. He put a roof over our heads and it didn't have a hole in it like our previous house in Germantown. A real savior, but a savior would never do to us what he did to my sisters. He should've been in jail for what he did but, he had a major stroke. Even then, my mom was forced to care for him because his parents were far too old to care for their son who was being taught how to speak, read, and walk. She is the strongest woman I know and my maturity comes from her. The one who let our dad come back into our life as many times as he attempted, and cared for a man that betrayed her. Her strength does not go unnoticed, bringing me to my last point. The fifth man, or boy, I had to forgive is the boy who was supposed to love me. He gave me every reason to trust him until he hit me. He gave me every reason to care until he ripped a paper off the wall and tried to hit me in the face with it, and picked me up with every intention to slam me to the ground. He is someone who was never loved himself, and I am privilege to know a God who loves me enough to remove him from my life. There's one man who has always been there for me and that is my heavenly Father. When my stepdad did what he did, his health began to fail. When that boy began to hit me, he moved the very next day. When my great grandfather lined up his family, the gun jammed. So if people are confused about why I'm so "religious", that's because I know a man that will NEVER let me down!! I am still in the process of forgiving these men because everyday I see the outcomes of their actions, but everyday I see God's new mercies, so I can't complain.