On February 15th of this year, my dad passed away suddenly from a heart attack. I wasn't even with him and hadn't talked to him in a few days. We were supposed to go running the Saturday before he died, but it was rained and neither of us felt it necessary to call and cancel. If I knew I could talk to him one last time, I would've called.
He had the greatest sense of humor and the prettiest smile, and a love for God that I couldn't explain. He was just someone I was happy I got to meet. He taught me so much about god, life, and relationships. I will always hold on to his advice, "If a boy does not love God, he will not be capable of loving you the way you need to be loved." He always said "Praise the lord" every time he answered the phone. He called me Ray Ray. He loved music like I love it, and we share the same love for Tupac. Sometimes he would just send me a random picture of Tupac that would make me smile so hard. He loved crab legs, westerns, fishing, and barbecuing. He was a man's man.
I thought that if I would have called things could've been different. I could still be receiving Tupac pictures, or go on that run we never had. Then, I read the prayer, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."-Reinhold Niebuhr. With Fathers Day approaching in two days, I pray for Strength and Serenity, and I ask you to keep my family and I in your prayers also.
Friday, June 17, 2016
Sunday, January 10, 2016
The Way Crushes Crushed Me
Growing up, I never was much of a dreamer and romance didn't exist. My mom and dad were not together and I didn't know that people could be. At that age my only job was to get good grades. I excelled through school and then I went to middle school. There I experienced my first time having a real crush on a boy.
It was a magical experience, I didn't feel so insecure when I liked someone. I decided that I liked that so much that my focus switched completely to boys. In seventh grade I met a guy that changed the way I thought about relationships. He showed me how to show affection, and affection had become my source of security. It wasn't until his affection turned into aggression that I woke up and realized my stronghold. I went through months of emotional trauma that I covered with another crush.
I thought that the best way to get over one boy, was with another one. I did this a few times until I had more hurts than I could count, and insecurities that I thought I had overcome started to resurface. It wasn't until recently that I realized that every crush I ever had, were all a big mask to cover my insecurities. Crushes made me feel beautiful. When I told my friends about boys, I thought it would make them look at me as more desirable to guys, but the more boys I became attached to, the more desperate I looked and became.
I finally got sick of it and took a break from boys and I decided to set some goals for myself. Even now, I am still dealing with the consequences of growing so attached to boys. I was confused when I had to face the boy who abused me, and I still cared about him. Now I know it is because at the time, in my mind, he had done me a favor by distracting me from reality. Anyone reading this post who has experienced a strong dependence on relationships for security, I hope that you will be inspired to set some goals for yourself and talk to God to find out why he put you here on this Earth, at the time that he did. I couldn't find my healing until I realized that I wasn't put on this Earth for man alone. I wasn't sent here to search endlessly for love, joy, peace, and happiness. I am here show God's love to people, not to search for God's love in people.
It was a magical experience, I didn't feel so insecure when I liked someone. I decided that I liked that so much that my focus switched completely to boys. In seventh grade I met a guy that changed the way I thought about relationships. He showed me how to show affection, and affection had become my source of security. It wasn't until his affection turned into aggression that I woke up and realized my stronghold. I went through months of emotional trauma that I covered with another crush.
I thought that the best way to get over one boy, was with another one. I did this a few times until I had more hurts than I could count, and insecurities that I thought I had overcome started to resurface. It wasn't until recently that I realized that every crush I ever had, were all a big mask to cover my insecurities. Crushes made me feel beautiful. When I told my friends about boys, I thought it would make them look at me as more desirable to guys, but the more boys I became attached to, the more desperate I looked and became.
I finally got sick of it and took a break from boys and I decided to set some goals for myself. Even now, I am still dealing with the consequences of growing so attached to boys. I was confused when I had to face the boy who abused me, and I still cared about him. Now I know it is because at the time, in my mind, he had done me a favor by distracting me from reality. Anyone reading this post who has experienced a strong dependence on relationships for security, I hope that you will be inspired to set some goals for yourself and talk to God to find out why he put you here on this Earth, at the time that he did. I couldn't find my healing until I realized that I wasn't put on this Earth for man alone. I wasn't sent here to search endlessly for love, joy, peace, and happiness. I am here show God's love to people, not to search for God's love in people.
Trusting God's Will
A few weeks ago, I spoke with one of my trusted mentors from my church. I confided in her about the latest aspects of my daily life including my relationships, friendships, and family ordeals. She listened to everything I had to say and came to an understanding. I told her about my latest interest in a guy and she told me about how some aspects of our relationship could be harmful to the path that god has for me.
Though I am unaware of all the plans god has for me, He knows the plans he has for me. It's very difficult not to get caught up in the same cycle as those before you when you have no faith in god, or yourself as a human.Whenever God's will for me did not align with the will I had for myself, I would lose faith. It was my mistake thinking that God did not want me to achieve the happiness that I wanted for myself.
My favorite scripture is Psalms 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." My understanding of this scripture had been misconstrued because my only intention was to attain my desires; love, success, and good fortune. I paid no mind to what it looked like to delight myself in the lord. I now realize that when I genuinely delight myself in the lord and his will, my desires changed. I don't desire the wealth of the world, but the riches of his knowledge. I no longer desire high positions on this earth because I know that this land is temporary.
I had let my relationships become idols, and I spent more time talking to friends than talking to God, who has given me everything I have. No matter what happens, I have to remember that the lord can give and the lord can take away, but his Will will be done. The fact that he sent the holy spirit to help me avoid some of the dangers of the life, is blessing enough and I can be sure that it will never be taken from me.
Though I am unaware of all the plans god has for me, He knows the plans he has for me. It's very difficult not to get caught up in the same cycle as those before you when you have no faith in god, or yourself as a human.Whenever God's will for me did not align with the will I had for myself, I would lose faith. It was my mistake thinking that God did not want me to achieve the happiness that I wanted for myself.
My favorite scripture is Psalms 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." My understanding of this scripture had been misconstrued because my only intention was to attain my desires; love, success, and good fortune. I paid no mind to what it looked like to delight myself in the lord. I now realize that when I genuinely delight myself in the lord and his will, my desires changed. I don't desire the wealth of the world, but the riches of his knowledge. I no longer desire high positions on this earth because I know that this land is temporary.
I had let my relationships become idols, and I spent more time talking to friends than talking to God, who has given me everything I have. No matter what happens, I have to remember that the lord can give and the lord can take away, but his Will will be done. The fact that he sent the holy spirit to help me avoid some of the dangers of the life, is blessing enough and I can be sure that it will never be taken from me.
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