The Way Crushes Crushed Me

Growing up, I never was much of a dreamer and romance didn't exist. My mom and dad were not together and I didn't know that people could be. At that age my only job was to get good grades. I excelled through school and then I went to middle school. There I experienced my first time having a real crush on a boy.

It was a magical experience, I didn't feel so insecure when I liked someone. I decided that I liked that so much that my focus switched completely to boys. In seventh grade I met a guy that changed the way I thought about relationships. He showed me how to show affection, and affection had become my source of security. It wasn't until his affection turned into aggression that I woke up and realized my stronghold. I went through months of emotional trauma that I covered with another crush.

 I thought that the best way to get over one boy, was with another one. I did this a few times until I had more hurts than I could count, and insecurities that I thought I had overcome started to resurface. It wasn't until recently that I realized that every crush I ever had, were all a big mask to cover my insecurities. Crushes made me feel beautiful. When I told my friends about boys, I thought it would make them look at me as more desirable to guys, but the more boys I became attached to, the more desperate I looked and became.

 I finally got sick of it and took a break from boys and I decided to set some goals for myself. Even now, I am still dealing with the consequences of growing so attached to boys. I was confused when I had to face the boy who abused me, and I still cared about him. Now I know it is because at the time, in my mind, he had done me a favor by distracting me from reality. Anyone reading this post who has experienced a strong dependence on relationships for security, I hope that you will be inspired to set some goals for yourself and talk to God to find out why he put you here on this Earth, at the time that he did. I couldn't find my healing until I realized that I wasn't put on this Earth for man alone. I wasn't sent here to search endlessly for love, joy, peace, and happiness. I am here show God's love to people, not to search for God's love in people.