The Leaf

When I was 16 i picked up a leaf
My dad passed and passed on his grief
Few months passed, I was "in control"
Then 2 years later smoke filled my soul

It took me 2 whole years to realize

That when the leaf dies
it plants a seed in your mind
And how the time flies
is all you really find

If peace were money I was in debt 

And the green was the expense

Self-abandonment was the game

And i was playing offense

Faith down to a mustard seed

inhaling my wants, exhaling my needs
Trading my mind for a quick relief

How could a leaf be such a thief

Memory shot and i held the gun
I forgot this is supposed to be fun
In these thoughts I began to drown
I reached the bottom of the pit then i put the leaf down

It was a leaf that carried much weight
Crossover self love to self hate
But as it fell I began to breathe
Inhale, exhale, believe

I wrote this poem as a reflection of a season of self medication. I wasn't thinking of my future, I just made choices that I thought would help alleviate my present circumstances. I encourage anyone who struggles with self-medication to think about why you started smoking in the first place and deal with the real issues at hand.

James 1: 14-15 Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. 15These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.

A Letter to Dr.King

Dear Dr. King,
Back in 2008, Barack Obama was elected and I understood what you meant when you said, "..it was a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity." Just 8 years later, Hate was elected and I lost that feeling. In August of the same year, Eric Reid and Colin Kaepernick decided to kneel during the national anthem in response to the unjust murder of Alton Sterling. #TakeAKnee. People feuded over social networks but one tweet stood out from the rest. "Maybe he should find a country that works better for him"-Donald J. Trump.

"America has given the negro a bad check, a check that has come back marked insufficient funds." The courts keep giving us a bad verdict, one that always come back marked not guilty. Philando Castile, Alton Sterling, Keith Lamont Scott, Michael Brown, Anthony Lamar Smith, Tamir Rice, Freddie Gray, Sandra Bland. You said, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Trayvon is starting to sound like a whisper. I know we're not satisfied, we must be asleep. #StayWoke

On a good note, I haven't seen any "whites only" signs in the streets, but I see the signs of white privilege in schools, offices, and in the media. Black actors, singers, producers, and directors getting invited to award shows but rarely getting awarded. Guess the odds weren't in their favor, but oddly enough they "randomly" chose the little black boy to wear the "coolest monkey in the jungle" sweatshirt. If you think that was mistake, you're in a deep slumber.

I'm sorry Dr. King, we're still dreaming.

Temporary Feel Goods

The shape of a bottle in your hand and the glass you don't typically use

will make you feel like the adult nobody sees you as

It seems to hide the face you put on for everyone

It seems to fill the God-sized voids created by years of pain

But really its just a system created to make you feel good

tem-po-rar-i-ly

His or her body feels so good up against yours

Legs entwined, one hand holding yours but the other in a region all your own

You don't know how something everyone condemns could feel so good

Were they deceiving you?
No, it's just a system where your brain releases a chemical called dopamine,
the pleasure chemical

Both of these things were created by God
And he therefor set some guidelines for them

Alcohol at a limit, sex within marriage

God set boundaries that protect you from the permanent scars these temporary things cause

Cause once you step out of the boundaries

these things aren't so temporary.

"The pleasure is temporary but the pain is permanent"

The Love Of A Black Woman

       Before I write this poem, I want to say that I know and appreciate that a lot of my viewers are from many different countries and ethnicities. We all have our own experiences and stories. I chose to write from the place of being a young black woman and watching the struggle of the women who came before me.

The Love Of A Black Woman

The love of a black woman will have you crawling like a beggar asking for more

It'll wipe your tears and seal you with hope before you step into battle

It'll take you to the galaxy and keep you rooted in the ground just the same

Too many have trampled the hearts of these champions

You ask how?

Because the black woman has been taught to love everyone but herself

Caring for and raising children that weren't even hers

Then finding freedom and raising children wise enough to lead the culture 

Lending a hand in the war and comforting the refugee

Cleaning the blood off the streets and comforting the mother who's son has just been shot

Stitching the wound, mending it up

Praying that her own son made it home safely

It's strange how one can go so unacknowledged

Most educated yet seen as least attractive

Depending on where you get your worth from you can easily catch the short hand

The one no one compliments but everyone copies

Tell me how we let this crime happen?

How do you keep this woman from loving herself?

We take away the man who's supposed to show her 

We steal his freedom or sell him the American Dream

A Meek Letter

Dear Dad,
I miss you of course. Haven't seen you since January and in February you were gone. I understand you and you understood me. You taught me lessons that you probably don't even know about. You taught me to love unconditionally, to have mercy, and to forgive. There were times when I would actually be angry with you, but for some reason I always forgave you so easily.You were a great father. I have nothing more to point fingers at. Through the pain I became so strong and I loved you so deeply and I give you credit for that. You also have made me so cool and friendly. You are a part of me and sometimes I don't feel you knew that. Until I see you again.
                                                                                                               -Rachel

The Serenity Prayer

On February 15th of this year, my dad passed away suddenly from a heart attack. I wasn't even with him and hadn't talked to him in a few days. We were supposed to go running the Saturday before he died, but it was rained and neither of us felt it necessary to call and cancel. If I knew I could talk to him one last time, I would've called.

 He had the greatest sense of humor and the prettiest smile, and a love for God that I couldn't explain. He was just someone I was happy I got to meet. He taught me so much about god, life, and relationships. I will always hold on to his advice, "If a boy does not love God, he will not be capable of loving you the way you need to be loved." He always said "Praise the lord" every time he answered the phone. He called me Ray Ray. He loved music like I love it, and we share the same love for Tupac. Sometimes he would just send me a random picture of Tupac that would make me smile so hard. He loved crab legs, westerns, fishing, and barbecuing. He was a man's man.

 I thought that if I would have called things could've been different. I could still be receiving Tupac pictures, or go on that run we never had. Then, I read the prayer, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."-Reinhold Niebuhr. With Fathers Day approaching in two days, I pray for Strength and Serenity, and I ask you to keep my family and I in your prayers also.

The Way Crushes Crushed Me

Growing up, I never was much of a dreamer and romance didn't exist. My mom and dad were not together and I didn't know that people could be. At that age my only job was to get good grades. I excelled through school and then I went to middle school. There I experienced my first time having a real crush on a boy.

It was a magical experience, I didn't feel so insecure when I liked someone. I decided that I liked that so much that my focus switched completely to boys. In seventh grade I met a guy that changed the way I thought about relationships. He showed me how to show affection, and affection had become my source of security. It wasn't until his affection turned into aggression that I woke up and realized my stronghold. I went through months of emotional trauma that I covered with another crush.

 I thought that the best way to get over one boy, was with another one. I did this a few times until I had more hurts than I could count, and insecurities that I thought I had overcome started to resurface. It wasn't until recently that I realized that every crush I ever had, were all a big mask to cover my insecurities. Crushes made me feel beautiful. When I told my friends about boys, I thought it would make them look at me as more desirable to guys, but the more boys I became attached to, the more desperate I looked and became.

 I finally got sick of it and took a break from boys and I decided to set some goals for myself. Even now, I am still dealing with the consequences of growing so attached to boys. I was confused when I had to face the boy who abused me, and I still cared about him. Now I know it is because at the time, in my mind, he had done me a favor by distracting me from reality. Anyone reading this post who has experienced a strong dependence on relationships for security, I hope that you will be inspired to set some goals for yourself and talk to God to find out why he put you here on this Earth, at the time that he did. I couldn't find my healing until I realized that I wasn't put on this Earth for man alone. I wasn't sent here to search endlessly for love, joy, peace, and happiness. I am here show God's love to people, not to search for God's love in people.